December 2025

It has been a long time since I've journaled here. Life has been rough. I feel some light at end of tunnel now. Background- In 12015 My husband of 40 yr was diagnois with Colo-rectal cancer. Our family was in shock. He under went chemo to shrink tumor so he could have surgery,. He had surgeries, radiation, more surgery, liver cancer,radiation pellets to get rid the liver cancer in midst of covid. I was not able to be with him during surgery because of it. Many times was on auto pilot because of all the stress. In 2021 it became clear that treatments were only putting out small fires, they weren't bringing any victory over the cancer- the treatments were so painful Gary made the decision to go on Hospiuce. It was a hard decision It really wasn't until he was 6mos. down the road it hit me that he termenal was . People at our church were fantastic at this time. they would call. Several times they guys would come over and gather around Gary's bed- talking and praying with him. With had another couple from upper room that would come over and visit and pray. It strengthened us. The nurses that visited our home were so gracious. The Chaplain was wonderful. God gave us a special Grace during this time. It was a peace and calm underneath the storm. I cannot adequetly describe this. You don't have it till you need it. It is different for each one of us when we receive this Grace. It is an extra strength that gets you through tough times. I felt it during the death of my infant daughters but it was different- it is just especially what you need for that time. Different when you lose a sibling or a parent. In November of 2021 our youngest son Nathan came and spent time with us. It was a wonderful time. We had many wonderful conversations, tears and hugs. We knew this would be our last Thanksgiving. Sarah and Mike spent some wonderful times with us too. It was hard to see Nathan go home within a couple of weeks Gary worsed. Hospece was coming several times dur4ing the week - an aid was coming to help me care for him, he was on more pain meds. 2022 came people of the church were really there for me Jan. 11th in Evening I called my daugheterr Sarah and told her tonight we would be saying Goodbye. Soon I called her backj as it was becoming clear she would have to say goodbye by phone. She talked to him, me holding the phone up to his ear. The nurse had come to be with me I held on to him, he took his last breath. My daughter came, she called the socialworker to come be with me when they prepared him to leave. I came in and held his hand kissed annd said goodbye. I went out and stood on porch, thankjed the nurse and aid for being with me. Hospice is not a job I could do. God Grace is sufficent.48 yrs minus 2 mos. ends our chapter together. My family was wonderful during this time. My daughter Sarah was a pillar of strength for me and my son in law Mike was a steady help and support. My son Nathan prayed for us during this time and our son Jason and wife in South Korea. Only pieces of my journey- hardest yet. Soon it will be 3 yrs, I've gone through times it didn't seem real, fiurst yr was a feog. Crying every day- there was the grief that our lives together was coming to a close. Then the endThen 3 yrs of ups and downs. Yet a different kind of Grace has come.