December 2025

It has been a long time since I've journaled here. Life has been rough. I feel some light at end of tunnel now. Background- In 12015 My husband of 40 yr was diagnois with Colo-rectal cancer. Our family was in shock. He under went chemo to shrink tumor so he could have surgery,. He had surgeries, radiation, more surgery, liver cancer,radiation pellets to get rid the liver cancer in midst of covid. I was not able to be with him during surgery because of it. Many times was on auto pilot because of all the stress. In 2021 it became clear that treatments were only putting out small fires, they weren't bringing any victory over the cancer- the treatments were so painful Gary made the decision to go on Hospiuce. It was a hard decision It really wasn't until he was 6mos. down the road it hit me that he termenal was . People at our church were fantastic at this time. they would call. Several times they guys would come over and gather around Gary's bed- talking and praying with him. With had another couple from upper room that would come over and visit and pray. It strengthened us. The nurses that visited our home were so gracious. The Chaplain was wonderful. God gave us a special Grace during this time. It was a peace and calm underneath the storm. I cannot adequetly describe this. You don't have it till you need it. It is different for each one of us when we receive this Grace. It is an extra strength that gets you through tough times. I felt it during the death of my infant daughters but it was different- it is just especially what you need for that time. Different when you lose a sibling or a parent. In November of 2021 our youngest son Nathan came and spent time with us. It was a wonderful time. We had many wonderful conversations, tears and hugs. We knew this would be our last Thanksgiving. Sarah and Mike spent some wonderful times with us too. It was hard to see Nathan go home within a couple of weeks Gary worsed. Hospece was coming several times dur4ing the week - an aid was coming to help me care for him, he was on more pain meds. 2022 came people of the church were really there for me Jan. 11th in Evening I called my daugheterr Sarah and told her tonight we would be saying Goodbye. Soon I called her backj as it was becoming clear she would have to say goodbye by phone. She talked to him, me holding the phone up to his ear. The nurse had come to be with me I held on to him, he took his last breath. My daughter came, she called the socialworker to come be with me when they prepared him to leave. I came in and held his hand kissed annd said goodbye. I went out and stood on porch, thankjed the nurse and aid for being with me. Hospice is not a job I could do. God Grace is sufficent.48 yrs minus 2 mos. ends our chapter together. My family was wonderful during this time. My daughter Sarah was a pillar of strength for me and my son in law Mike was a steady help and support. My son Nathan prayed for us during this time and our son Jason and wife in South Korea. Only pieces of my journey- hardest yet. Soon it will be 3 yrs, I've gone through times it didn't seem real, fiurst yr was a feog. Crying every day- there was the grief that our lives together was coming to a close. Then the endThen 3 yrs of ups and downs. Yet a different kind of Grace has come.

Thankfulness: Beauty of Creation-

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” Psalm 19:1 I've often looked at Sunsets, Farm Country, garden in harvest time, and colorful leaves in the Fall - thought God is a wonderful artist- best of all.

Word for 2022: THANKFULNESS - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I am making goals this year but only one resolution and that is to be thankful. Paul had much to say on Thankfulness. The one I haven't mastered yet is to be thankful in all things. How can we be thankful for the bad that happens to us? I am not sure I even have an answer for that one. We had Covid at the end of 2020 - I am glad we had good doctors and medicine. People that prayed for us. Prehaps we can claim it as a Rom 8: 28 event- things did work out, we were able to tell us our experience. I lost couple friends from cancer and a sister in law from Covid related issues. The Romans 8 :28 in loss of friends and family member is our Hope of Heaven. Heaven is real and we will see them again. Thankfulness keeps our attitudes right.

Loss

It has taken a bit to get back to journaling. On Aug. 25, 2020, in addition to it just being a hard year because of Covid, surgery for dh, we lost my 2nd oldest brother Samuel Rodger Ebel - to lung cancer. He and I had become close in past few yrs, he called often, we had long talks. I had made trips back to Colo. when our sister was dying, once we went to her house and the next time hospital in Casper, Wyoming. We had good times. I talk to him the months he was dying but he'd developed dementia, I am not sure he understood all I was saying. Samuel Rodger Ebel born May 1, 1948- Bayard, NE- Parents Jacob Edward Ebel and Dorthy Louella Roebuck Ebel. 2nd Child of Seven. Navy Veteran. Brothers Terry Lee Ebel and Richard Allen Ebel preceeded him in death also, sisters Jaunita Jayne Ebel Newman and Joyce Marie Ebel Loader. He has two living Children- Frostina Ebel Zudrow and Jacob Ebel both of Washington. 3 grandchildren, 1 great-grandchild. Living Sibling Jack John Ebel of Nevada and Linda Lou Ebel Head of Indiana. You Never get used to losing family and friends. Sad part is as far as I know Sam was never saved. I talked to him many times about the Lord. With great anger said he didn't believe in God. I think because of my father dying when he was 11- I was 3yrs old. I believe our life would have been different had our father lived. Our mom dying when he was 21.

I wish

I wish we were little girls again.

Playing with our dolls.

Making mud pie lunches.

Holding hands-

wading in mud puddles.

Our mother washing our hair.

Snuggling in sheets fresh from the line.

Listening to crickets as we drift off to sleep.

I wish we were little girls again, you and I.

We've grown, raised our children-

watched the smiles on their angel faces.

Watched them grow before our very eyes.

They moved on our mother hearts cried.

We knew it was to be- we gave them wings.

Now years have passed.

You are ill, suffering every day.

My heart cries for you.

It cries for the day when we were little girls.

Running with our barefeet through the grass.

My sister I love you so.

I pray for your comfort through all the pain.

I see your face changed from all the pain.

The voice is still that of my sister.

Never dreamed the years would bring such pain.

We're suppose to grow old together.

Three sisters sitting watching the flowers grow.

Reminiscing about our childhood, our children.

My sister I love you, know this as you go.

Journaling-

Most of my journalling is in books, sometimes here. One ask question how has your journalling carried you through different times in your life. My journalling here as you can see is kind of random but it represents some things I've gone through down through the yrs. Other things I've not written here, kind of sensitive topics not for general reading. Sometimes these have been my prayers to the Lord- helped me to put it down on paper. Sometimes you are just at a loss. Romans 8:26-27 26 Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 And he that searches the hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

Closures

7 months have gone by- not so quickly. My son is back from Afghanistan 2 wks ago. What a relief. We haven't seen him yet, we will be traveling to NC in 2 wks to see him, also, my mil and sil. I am glad that chapter is closed. * Later note- looked at few of son's pictures. Realize later - they sent bomb dog out- he came back- they went forward and ran over a devise- stupid dog- I guess he was tired of his job. Son had this happen few occasions- one when he was gunner. We don't always realize these make it back by skin of their teeth.